When Mother's Day hurts
Mother’s Day. A day painted in pastels and floral fragrances, a day whispered with words of love and gratitude. But what about those for whom this day is not a celebration, but a reminder of heartache? For those whose mothers have passed away, whose relationships are strained or non-existent, Mother’s Day can feel like stumbling through a thickest fog of grief and longing.
The ache of loss is a relentless companion for those who have lost their mothers. It's a pang that lingers in the hollows of your chest, a dull throb that echoes with each passing year. On Mother’s Day, the absence of her laughter, her warmth, her comforting embrace, can weigh heavier than the weight of the world itself. The memories, once cherished, now cut like shards of glass, leaving behind jagged edges of sorrow.
For others, Mother’s Day is a stark reminder of the fractured relationships that have left them estranged from their mothers. The silence of unspoken words, the ache of unanswered questions, the gaping hole where a bond should have been—it's a pain that burrows deep into the soul, leaving scars that never fully heal. To see others celebrating their relationships with their mothers can feel like salt rubbed into raw wounds, a cruel twist of fate that amplifies the loneliness and longing.
And then there are those who never had a mother to celebrate, whose lives have been devoid of the nurturing presence that should have been their birthright. For them, Mother’s Day serves as a painful reminder of what could have been, a bittersweet fantasy of a love they've never known. The ache of emptiness, of longing for a mother's love that was never given, can be suffocating in its intensity.
As someone who has traversed the tumultuous terrain of grief, I understand all too well the weight that Mother’s Day can carry. For me, Mother’s Day is a bittersweet melody, a symphony of memories intertwined with longing and sorrow. The absence of my great-grandmother, my pillar of strength and wisdom, leaves a void that cannot be filled. Her laughter, her gentle touch, her unwavering love—these are the fragments of her essence that I cling to, even as the years pass by.
In the wake of her passing, I've found solace in the simple rituals that connect me to her spirit. I indulge in her favorite snacks, savoring each morsel as if it were imbued with her essence. I lose myself in the shows she found humor and joy in, the familiar melodies of laughter echoing through the empty spaces she left behind. And in the kitchen, I find sanctuary in recreating the dishes she lovingly prepared, each bite a testament to the love that still binds us together across the chasm of time and space. Amidst the storm of emotions, I’m learning to navigate the choppy waters with compassion and grace. Here are some tips that I have used to help me hold space for the difficult feelings to find moments of healing in the chaos of Mother’s Day:
Acknowledge the Pain: Allow yourself to sit with the pain, to feel it fully without judgment or shame. Recognize that it's okay to grieve, to mourn, to feel the weight of your emotions. I've experienced moments of overwhelming sadness, where tears flow freely and without warning. They come in waves, triggered by a song on the radio, a photograph tucked away in a drawer, or a fleeting memory that catches me off guard. In those moments, I allow myself to surrender to the grief, to feel its weight pressing down on my chest, knowing that each tear is a testament to the love that I carry in my heart.
Create Your Own Rituals: Find ways to honor and remember your mother or the mother figure you wish you had. Light a candle in her memory, write her a letter, or spend time engaging in activities that remind you of her.
Reach Out for Support: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for support during this time. Sharing your feelings with others who understand can provide a sense of comfort and validation. Shout out to my therapist! She didn't just listen with her ears; she listened with her heart. She had a remarkable ability to hear the unexpressed, to witness the ignored, and to hold space for the full spectrum of my emotions without judgment or reservation.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to the most cherished person in your life.
Set Boundaries: It's okay to set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. If seeing others celebrate Mother’s Day feels too painful, give yourself permission to step back and take care of yourself.
Focus on Gratitude: While Mother’s Day may bring up painful emotions, try to focus on the positive memories and lessons you've gained from the maternal figures in your life, no matter how fleeting or imperfect those moments may have been. As I look in the mirror, I see traces of my grandmother’s spirit reflected back at me—a small smile, a twinkle in the eye, a spark of mischief. We were kindred spirits, she and I, connected by a bond that transcended time and space. And though she may no longer walk this earth, her presence is felt in every beat of my heart, in every breath I take. I am grateful for the strength she instilled in me—the resilience to weather life's storms, the courage to face adversity head-on, the wisdom to find beauty in the midst of chaos.
Seek Meaningful Connections: Reach out to others who may be experiencing similar emotions. Connecting with others who understand can provide a sense of solidarity and support in navigating this difficult time. I too, am working on that!
Remember, you are not alone in your pain. You are seen, you are heard, and you are worthy of love and compassion—even on the hardest of days.
- J
